Have I Told You Lately How Lucky You Are?

I haven't written a personal blog in quite some time so I thought I'd put up this video!  Dr. Seuss is by far my favorite author, even since I was a "wee little one"  His books are timeless and sadly I only own a small few!  I am going to make sure to own all 44 by the end of 2013, so if any of you have any you would like to donate to my collection I would greatly appreciate it!  I hope you all take as much from this as I do!

I SHAPE ME!

Sat. I started a new fitness routine...and it's kicking my butt, LITERALLY!  But in a very good way!

My Life is FULL!!

            On a cold and rainy spring day, I sat blankly at the sheets of white paper trying to erase the memory from my mind by spilling it onto the pages before me.  The photograph is proof, in an instant your life can change, and unwillingly you look at the old you and find a peacefulness that you have grown.  I ungrudgingly pardon those who have wounded me…I have no reason to pass judgment on your new life or the many paths that you choose to follow after our crossroads.  My life is full.

            My friends and family mean everything in the world to me and you have facilitated my journey.  There was a point in my life where blankets of cold covered me, defeating their purpose.  The sunglasses worn on my face only to cover the dark circles of my eyes, only highlighted the walls I hid behind.  The smile plastered in posed pictures were never truly smiles at all, but only pigments of what I hoped.  My life was dull.
            Congratulations, as I pat myself on the back, I have found myself long ago and never slowed down enough to realize it.  As I look through the old photo album I do not frown at my past as one might expect, I smile jubilantly knowing that I am a better self.  I am an endless sea of feminine courage and faith.  I need no partner to hold me up nor enemies to pull me down.  My life is full.  
            It's interesting what a heart does when the life is full, it smiles right along with the eyes: both the windows to the soul.  When the soul is happy, your world is happy and who could ask for more?  My life is full.
            Many have held my hand on my path; let me hold yours.  I don't care if you are a stranger or a life-long friend…I WANT to hold your hand.  I want you to smile as I smile.  I want you to laugh as I laugh.  I want you to embrace your past as I have mine.  I want you to love as deep and as pure as you can love.  For your life is full!

BOLD

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the day with an amazing individual!  If you are in the market for a real estate buyers agent in the Richmond Virginia area...please look no further then Charlotte Shirey!  She is wonderful on all levels!  You will notice a video above, it was a part of the seminar that Charlotte took me to today.  And in this post you will learn a little about what I learned today!  And that was...A LOT.  From someone who has no experience with real estate, I got a lot from the first day of this BOLD program that pertains to LIFE and how you view it.  I took away a ton of info from this experience and met some really great people in the process.  So here goes the start of a new journey, and I'm excited to see the outcome!

BE BOLD!!

90% of business is mindset <---it's true!

1. Look for patterns in your life
2. Take a chance even if you don't think you can win.
3. Believe in yourself and go for it!
4. Be willing to do what others haven't
5. Don't listen to nay sayers!
6. If your willing to put your kids in a wagon...you can do anything!! (meaning...if you are willing to eat ramen noodles for weeks, months, years...etc.)
7. Don't be afraid to be first
8. If you work to help others you will grow and your business will grow
9. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward
10. Watch your money. (money is not the root of evil...the love of money is)

"The purpose of life is to truly live before you die; and the purpose of business is to fund that perfect life."

Remember to always BE first, then DO, in order to HAVE.  And continue in no other order!

Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.  For example, the picture above for a literal interpretation.  

My life is the result of my beliefs...become aware of my behavior (self talk), ask ?'s, control the convo, and ALWAYS GET INVOLVED!!

WORDS!

50% of all words are negative while only 30% positive...its no wonder we always feel so surrounded by negativity.  There are just more words to describe it!

In business practices, always do what works and change what does not.  Liken it to the needle v. stick analogy.  If I throw a needle at you, most likely it will not hurt you.  But if I attach that same needle to a stick and then throw it at you...it has more impact.  

Needle = Words

Stick = Emotions

In speech Eliminate BUT and use AND

                             TRY and use INTEND

Complaining = Garbage Magnet!!

"You can have reasons or results but you can NOT have both"

1. What you focus on expands

2. I choose to take responsibility and design my own life.  

55% of communication is body language

38% is tonality (speed and tone of which you speak)

7% is actually words you use.

*Find connections with people!!

Step up to mastery!

Foundation (have a growth plan and implement with no excuses)

Concentration (Do the work...struggle!)  Performance v. Stress...

Momentum "OMG!"  

Stabilization - systems (If you don't do this you end up back at concentration)

Mastery

In this world there are two types of people.

1. People moving towards pleasure

2. People moving away from pain

THAT is just a little bit of what I took away from today!  In the coming months you will see me put together my growth plan of what I hope to accomplish in 2012!  And I will be sharing every step of it with you all!  I hope it helps you as much as it's going to help me!!

Life's Crazy Dreams...

Last night I had a very vivid dream.  I didn't recognize any of the faces (other then my own) but it felt so real!

It started off with me walking into this outdoor mall setup (like Stony Point), I found myself in the back side shipment of a FedEx distribution center.  My dream told me that I had been there before b/c I was very familiar with the construction.  When I walked through the garage doors the place was in chaos (there was paper, peanuts, strapping, boxes...everywhere).  Underneath a bundle of used strapping something caught my eye, so I walked over to it and brushed away the bundle and it revealed two canvased portraits of a couple Westies.  (for those of you who don't know...I have two westies myself).  In my dream I thought to myself "this must be old marketing materials, I wonder if I can take them since they are left here to be destroyed with all the other discarded shipping materials." So I stopped a kid and said, "Is there a manager around I can speak to."  He took me to this room and knocked on the door...I had the canvas' in tow.  When the door opened the two men inside (my mind told me they were gay...which I didn't quite grasp until later in the dream) did not seem to care that I or anyone else was there (typical shipment managers I thought in my dream...though in real life I completely know that in the jobs I have had where there is shipment involved, the managers are 100% on top of things).  I cleared my throat a bit and with the intimidation in my voice I managed to mutter "Can I keep these?  They were in the trash and I would like to have them."  Thinking to myself again, "they are going to say yes, surely b/c they have been stepped on and damaged a bit, but I don't mind."  The dreamy, Italian looking one asked me, "Do these canvas' give you life?  Do you HAVE to have them?  Do they tell a story to you?"  In which my reply was, "I figured that if they were being stepped and trampled all over out back that nobody would mind me having them and giving them a home where they will be taken care of."  The manager snatched them from my hands and said "If we wanted you to have them, do you think we would have trashed them?"  With tears (for whatever reason) swelling up in my eyes, I turned to walk away.  The other guy asked me, "Do you need help finding your way out?"  In which my reply was, "No, I was smart enough to find my way in...if you ever need inside product knowledge at Banana Republic...you just lost it by being total assholes to me."  It is apparent that I knew that would bother them, and it also made it apparent that I was some kind of high corporate power in Banana Republic.  Strange...my dream ended with me walking away and the two men snickering in the background "oh no!  I can't believe that just happened."

I woke up to my two dogs trying to go outside to bark at a feral cat that was screaming!  <-this is weird b/c it has never happened before.  My babies!  Lady and Deco (with the snake).

The World is an Ocean

Every person lives in their own boat. All the time we come across other boats and other people, but rarely do we ever join them in their boat. Most of us are rowing towards shores we cant see; but we're sure they exist.

Some of us can't afford the oars. Some of us can afford them but refuse to use them, distracted by the fact that maybe the water is more fun, why not just jump off and swim through the vast waters, could it be more efficient then rowing to a destination that may not be satisfying?  One that we do not know for sure exists?

Some of us can't afford the boat, and we live in the water. Some of us sink. Some of us never reach the surface again. And all we have is the shadows of boats above us, and dark water under us. But we're stuck somewhere in between, unable to breathe. Every shark and sea monster we see is another somnambulatory abstraction.

Others of us are convinced we've found the right current; but most of us are just lost.
We look around and every direction is a horizon.
Nobody has an anchor.

Then there are a few of us that find land; temporarily, mostly. I have at times.  Those of us that do find that land, and stay on it, are driven away quicker than we came in most cases. Rarely do we find land we can call home.

Love is two boats docked on an empty island.
You are my island.
This is our world.

<-we're boats!  See!

Elizabeth Pauline "Polly" Morris

Last night I had a dream about my grandma, or as I like to say "NaNa"  She has been gone almost 5 years now so it was nice to get a visit in my dreams.  I certainly think of her often, and she (even gone) provides laughs for my family!


How I knew My Grandma,

            As a young one growing up and building my imagination, what happened at Nana's house…stayed at Nana's house!  Many memories of my childhood are (to this day) kept secret…pacts between Nana and I (and sometimes my big sis Niki).  SOME I will share with you, OTHERS I swore never to repeat but always to remain a part of my heart forever.

            I credit a lot of who I have become to my Grandmother.  You know…the one who influenced my childhood just as much as my parents.  The woman who taught me the true meaning of reverse psychology and pushed me in her own stubborn way to achieve my goals.

            First impressions of my grandmother are unmatched!  The way people respond to her is a quality I hope I have inherited.  Vibrant, exciting, and very talkative!  That's my Nana!  And boy did I know all about every last character in her recent romance novels or every member of the Gathier Band, of which I knew many songs and sang along all the time.  Singing was a past time I most cherish with her.  Nana had the voice of an angel in her day, and she always encouraged me to sing my little heart out.

            This is the woman who taught me to read...eventually.  Taking special note of my first secret!  And that was…1 Fish, 2 Fish, Red Fish, Blue Kiss?  From my many Dr. Seuss adventures…I hadn't come to learn the words, but more so to memorize them!  Haha, but somehow Nana knew.  One day taking a pen to change the words and having me read it again!  She caught me!  But it was from then on that she knew I was going to be a smart one for she said, "Anyone who can remember all those silly rhymes and words…can surely learn to read books like this."  (She said this has she held up the largest version of the Bible I have ever seen in print).  But that was a book I couldn't even fathom reading at the time.  But this was when I was introduced to Phil. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  In due time I learned to read and can credit that to be my most cherished memory verse.

            There is nothing faint or half-hearted about my Grandma.  She was the apple of many eyes.  She pursued everything with irresistible enthusiasm, always bending, but never breaking!  Nana was one that exuded self-confidence and total control but never afraid to show her sweet side…and tooth (and as one of many grandchildren…I know first hand what this really means!)  Nana ALWAYS had bubblegum, and not just any gum…sugarless!  And her reasoning…well it goes something like this, "A girl as sweet as you doesn't need any sweeter…otherwise, you just might melt and my heart would break."

            Nana was audacious and VERY intent on getting her way!  A Morris quality I myself have a smidge of!  Stubborn to a fault…that was my grandma!  Forbid anyone ever do anything for her!  I will never forget family gatherings.  Nana would prepare the food, serve the food, and clean up the food just so we could all mingle amongst ourselves.  I didn't understand until now why that was so pertinent to her.  I never saw her shine more then when her whole family was together, or when she held her grandbabies.  Nana has so much love to give and I am lucky to have been showered with it for 21 years.  I am honored to carry her name as my own…I only hope to live up to it.

            This is the grandma I will always know, love, and remember!

I love you Nana!

Consider my fears faced!

They say the best way to get over your fears is to face them head on...consider that...check!

Today I, Ashlee B, got on the back of my boyfriends motorcycle for the first time.  We went less then a mile...30minutes ago, and I'm still shaking.  BUT on the bright side of things, it didn't rain, and I didn't burn my leg on the exhaust...he says it gets better.  I think I would have been more comfortable on the interstate ironically.  Starting and stopping scared me the most...I was afraid at one point of throwing up in my helmet, but I didn't!  I am strong!

Today I, Ashlee B, am continuing to face unemployment.  (aside from being self-employed).  I used to just loathe unemployment, but lately it has become a pretty big fear of mine.  I find that for most flexible positions (part time or full time) I am either over/under qualified.  Seems like for the positions I am deemed worthy of filing, I need 5 years experience in the field.  And well, I don't have 5 years experience that you require, but I do learn quickly.  Lets be honest, how hard is it to learn most any job that requires any diploma?  Someone please take a chance on me!

Today I, Ashlee B, have taken a deep breath and faced disappointment.  It is not often that I feel disappointed in myself, but today I have accepted it.  Which means it can only go up from here, right?  Despite my ambition, my total and complete knowledge on the subject, creative newsletters, social media updates, and countless clients...my practice is struggling.

BUT, I am STRONG! And I will SURVIVE!  

Moments of Nostalgia

I admit it, what they say is true.  When you're a kid and all you want to be is grown up and all you hear is "don't be in such a hurry to grow up, when you get there you will want to be exactly where you are now."  It's true!  Every part of it!  I miss the days of no responsibilities and my biggest worry being what I am going to wear to school.  Yes, even school I miss.  These past few days nostalgia has been hitting me pretty hard.

Ever stopped to notice a smell, and it brought back a memory?  Well a few days ago I ordered from soap.com (<-if you are not familiar with this website, you should be) what I thought was a new laundry detergent.  When I opened it up to wash my first load, a flood of memories poured through my mind.  When I lived in salt lake, it was kinda my "spreading my wings" moment.  Breaking out of the mold of what I was expected to be (perfect) and moving to a place where I knew absolutely no one and becoming ME.  Not Carl's daughter or any variation of names given to me by my family or "friends."  <-you do learn who your true friends are when you move across the country...I found that out too!  After a few weeks of being there I felt pretty stuck.  I didn't want to go home, and I definitely wasn't homesick.  I began to form relationships with my Mormon roommates...not being Mormon myself, I sometimes felt a source of corruption for them and in some sense I enjoyed that.  I learned that I didn't have to change any part of myself to be a source of corruption in other "cultures."    Who knew that drinking coffee, watching rated R movies, and having a coke here and there would make you the devil to some?  My roommates taught me a lot and I'd like to think I taught them just as much.  So we decided to stick together and find a new place!  It was a bit of a spur of the moment decision and we found a place that seemed great.  Er...not so much.  After moving in it was one wretched disaster after another...and on the fourth day, with a literal flood and no flushing toilet...I broke down.  I had never lived in those circumstances before...In my search for a ticket out...I found myself sitting in the basement of the shared duplex on top the washing machine.  In that moment I wished for the days of no responsibilities and took in the scent of what seemed to be the ONLY decent thing about the place. I bowed my head and folded my hands.  Opening the laundry detergent a few days ago brought back that moment, but the best thing is what followed.  As I was walking out of the wretched duplex basement, I ran into a lady who could read on my face that I was distraught.  She stopped to ask if I was okay and I simply replied "the toilets wont flush!"  My eyes welling up with tears she took me by the hand and said talk to me.  I don't know what prompted my speech but by the end of the conversation I learned that she was a property owner with Top Hat properties...she was in the area painting and getting ready to show a brand new rental property.  2 bedrooms, den, storage, back yard, laundry, a bathroom, dining room, kitchen, it was very private and probably one of the most amazing properties I had lived in.  I ran home and told the girls, and in less then a week later we called that cute little rental property home.  I loved ever bit of my remaining days in Salt Lake in that house.

My friend Roy made a post today about being bullied in high school and it took me back to a very distinct moment of being in the 6th grade.  One day I got off of the bus at my parents house and a kid pelted a rock at my head, busting it open.  Holding the back of my head I looked up at the back of the bus to three kids pointing and laughing...I ran home crying and thinking "what did I ever do."  The next day when I got on the bus with all 5 stitches and a killer attitude I walked to the back of the bus and said "I'll pray for you" pointing at him and the other 3 with my middle finger.  I ended up in in-school suspension.  The kid that threw the rock continued to terrorize lower classman, and even worse...the other two kids who witnessed the story never spoke up.  I will never forget "I didn't throw anything, the bus must have kicked it at her when you drove off."  I wonder if that same defense works in front of a judge these days?  I hear he's a career criminal...I still have that rock, and to this day my mom doesn't know that I got ISS or that I flicked anyone off...my dad and I thought that was best kept between the two of us.  I keep that rock as birth control...and as a reminder that I am strong long after others think I am weak and broken.  Take that Johnny!

side note:  I love world of myrth for this very reason!

Patience...Patience...

Today after a massage appointment, I ventured down to the bank...per usual.  Most get frustrated when a bank does not have a drive through, but I personally like the one on one with the tellers (It's just good business networking to me)...And I have grown very fond of them.  So as usual I pulled up in the parking circle (but with it being a friday I was expecting the worst as far as business).  Not totally thinking that many people have a three day weekend...the circle was empty and I didn't have to drive minutes around waiting for someone to leave.  Well empty for all but the ONE other vehicle.

I walked in, filled out my deposit slip, and waited my turn behind the (what appeared to be) only other person parked in the circle.  I began to think...peered up at the clock, tick, tick, tick...'man this guy is really tall...his belt goes up to the top of the counter...which in the banking world is very high for their protection, he has to be over 6'5"'...tick, tick, tick....'man this is taking forever!'....tick, tick, tick...20+ minutes later I began to get tired of waiting when finally after 32 minutes to be exact, he was done.  I began to become a little annoyed by his "Hope you all have a great weekend" and not the "I'm sorry that took so long" grimace.

Finally it was my turn to deposit my money and the only other time I'm wishing in my head there was a drive through.  With the obvious annoyed look on my face I exclaimed "this transaction should be a lot less complicated then the last."  Only for the only possible explanation for the entire circumstance came dribbling out of her mouth (what seemed like literally), "He plays for the Washington Wizards!"

Suddenly the Range Rover, body guard, and gargantuan stature all made sense to me...but then she explained "These things are very meticulous."  I had no idea if she was insulting me for my bank account not being as hefty as his, or that he just took precedence over me because he is a pro athlete?  Either way, I hope that she is as meticulous with my transaction in the whole 2 minutes it took.  And you better believe I checked to make sure my money was there!

I swear, people these days...  ALSO lets please take note that I could have made this a racial issue...but I did not.  <--oops!

I saw a bumper sticker  today and it was disturbing to me.

It read:

Terri was MURDERED

Ok I know this person is just wanting his/her position known on government interference in a right to life case, but is it necessary to debase a car to make this point? I mean really what ever happened to funny bumper stickers? I wish that people were less political in their bumper sticker buying.

We should have a state law stopping the printing of any bumper sticker that doesn’t make me laugh.

Yes I said “Make ME laugh”

I have a great sense of humor and even though it isn’t always politically correct, it almost always makes me laugh…and we all know that is the most important thing in the whole universe, My Happiness! 

A FEW things that make me laugh

1.Other people’s pain. I once saw a bicyclist lose his front tire WHILE riding down the street, Coke shot out of my nose, laughed my butt off.

2.“Gummers” just think about it....gross yet funny!

3. Monkeys…Monkeys are always funny. Have you ever seen that short youtube video with a monkey scratching his butt and smelling his finger?  No? http://youtu.be/XofxIYyvZ1s …I cry oceans of laughter!! 

4. People who ignore warning labels

5. People who invent warning labels

6. Warning labels

7. Mullets

8. People of walmart

9. Dogs with hiccups

10. Whitney Cummings "Whitney," New Girl, Workaholics, etc...this just to name a few!

Again, that was just to list a FEW things that make me laugh....

Continued Character work...

The Landscape rolled by the windows of his beat up old car as the sun came up behind him. Once again he was moving. Always moving. It seemed that after that ordeal in the mountains he couldn't stay in one place longer then a couple of years in a row. He didn't know where this wanderlust came from but he didn't seem to mind. A new job, a new place to live and a new girl...always a new girl.

The last place was cozy. Small and warm in the winter, yet somehow light and airy in the summer, it was like he lived on a cosmic lay line where time and space had no place with reality. It gave him the illusion of happiness. Everyday he went to work and did what he had to to make the ends of that short life line meet, and on every payday he always questioned himself on why he stayed on. Every week as he made his way to the bank in his clunker of a car he wondered how long he could keep this up. Every week his pittance was deposited into a joint account and he got a glimmer of why he stayed. Her. She was why he stayed.

He would park in the drive way and look at the house. He had demolished better houses working construction during his college days, and yet he stayed. Her. He knew that he was a victim but he was also stubborn. He wanted this. He wanted this more then he had wanted anything in his life. He knew it was one sided and that it wouldn't last but he couldn't keep her out of his thoughts. Why? What made her the one? Was it because he knew it was one sided? Was it the infrequent sex romps that left him drained and panting like some old horse in the heat? What had happened to him? He used to be in control of these demons.

His past was littered with "hers" but they were always the ones who loved him more then he loved them. He had never felt the sting of a one sided love affair where he wasn't in control. This must be the karma catching up with him. Retribution for broken hearts littering his past. He saw her pull into the drive way and as always his heart skipped a beat and his stomach rolled with a passion. A passion that he knew was false but still he couldn't break it's spell. It was a sickly sweet painful experience, depraved indifference. 

It hurt. It finally hurt. Maybe this was what he as needing. Maybe for the first time in a long..well first time in forever, he felt the pain For the first time he felt the pain. Pain was good, it burned the out the love. He used the pain of the one sided love affair to destroy the inferno of love that he had finally found, and that made him see what was needing to happen. He had to leave. He needed to harness the wanderlust and pack his things and move. Get on the road a new life, a new job, a new girl. A new her.

The sun was now in his eyes as the landscape rolled by the windows of his beat up old car. His thoughts continued to work. The blistering pain in his head and gut caused him to think. Now that he was on the road and headed east to a new everything, he knew he would never go back, never become the man who hurt or got hurt. Not closed up, not shut down, just cautious. He would give as good as he got, nothing more nothing less.

Fast forward 8 months.

He was with a new her. The love was instant. It was intense. It was the warm feeling of love, true love. It extinguished the burning pain, and replaced it with a flame of desire. The pain used to burn, this burn was just as hot as the pain but he liked it. It was new, it cleansed him of his bad karma. Love shared is better then....nothing seems to fit. 

Love shared is better.

Silly little joke for giggles...

The Preacher:  "For all you husbands out there...you're gunna have to pick up the slack in making the morning tea and coffee...the bible reads that women are not allowed to make them and this is a most recent discovery of mine, I woke up early this morning just to prepare the coffee."

Fellow Friend and Husband: "Where in the bible does it read this?"

Preacher: "Hebrews" 

***hahahahahahahahaha....laugh it up!***

Trivial - possible character i was working on when I was writing a lot

He plods along the barely lit hallway on his way up the stairs. Standing at the bottom of the stairs he asks himself how much longer can this go on? When will they find the truth? Is this all that is left? A short walk up the stairs and into a different world, he sighs heavily and takes one step at a time.

Mind swirling, thoughts a jumble, what did he do and was it too much? Not enough? They will find out the truth soon, and that will be the end. Reaching the first landing he pauses to ask again Is this really all that is left? Shouldn’t there be more to it then this? They must know the truth by now.

One step at a time, he starts the long climb again. His mind wandering over the past few years, what had happened? How did it all start? Is this the end?

It was a pleasantly warm spring morning, released from his short sentence, he felt renewed. Driving, walking everything shiny, the sky so blue it hurt to look at it, air so clean it rejuvenated him as he awoke from the cold grey that was the past.

New beginnings. Never easy, but always welcome, a new beginning for him showed up every two years or so and this one was the best one yet. New city, new job, new life. It was almost magical, and it would have been if he hadn’t waltzed into this like he had everything else in his life. The expression “Fell ass over tea kettle into_______” seemed to fit everything in his life. He was considered lucky, he felt like a fraud.

They have to know by now right? Surely they know, why don’t they say anything? He was almost to the top of the stairs. His fraudulent ways would soon be known to all and then the ridicule will begin. Name calling and laughter, they will never leave him alone.

The door is looming in front of him, pale yellow and dead. Hanging there, waiting to be used. It is almost taunting him, “C’mon go through here and walk into desperation and pain, you know you deserve it, you fraud”

He just stares at it as his journey continues to lead upward.

It is a cold day out and winter has just got into full swing. He has been asking himself “why, why am I here? Can’t they see I am not the guy they’re looking for?” They don’t seem to care they badger him anyway and continue to engulf him with their rhetoric.

He reaches the door, his hand hesitates. If he doesn’t open the door will anything change? Is this the end or just a new beginning? He slowly opens the dead door and steps into a dimly lit room.

“F that!, I left my cubicle lights on again”

The World is an Ocean

The world is an ocean.

Every person lives in their own boat. All the time we come across other boats and other people, but rarely do we ever join them in their boat. Most of us are rowing towards shores we cant see; but we're sure they exist.

Some of us can't afford the oars. (addition due to Sean..thanks!)  **Some of us can afford them but refuse to use them, distracted by the fact that maybe the water is more fun, why not just jump off and swim through the vast waters, could it be more efficient then rowing to a destination that may not be satisfying?  One that we do not know for sure exists?**

Some of us can't afford the boat, and we live in the water. Some of us sink. Some of us never reach the surface again. And all we have is the shadows of boats above us, and dark water under us. But we're stuck somewhere in between, unable to breathe. Every shark and sea monster we see is another somnambulatory abstraction.

Others of us are convinced we've found the right current; but most of us are just lost.

We look around and every direction is a horizon.

Nobody has an anchor.

Then there are a few of us that find land; temporarily, mostly. I have various times.  Those of us that do find that land, and stay on it, are driven away quicker than we came in most cases. Rarely do we find land we can call home.

Love is two boats docked on an empty island.
You are my island.

This is our world.

Just an old song I wrote years ago...

That Old Farewell

You sat down next to me, like poetry to wine
The windows locked upon the yellow city design
I took your hand while you decided what to do
The only kiss I ever miss, was one I shared with you

The other cities hold a memory still of a place
But, when I dream of that big hill,
I can only see your face

I want you
Or no one else
No one else will do
You, or no one
No one is the only one to fill the empty space
The empty space I hold for you
No one else will do

You simplified me down to slogans on the wall
I took offense, but you were right just about them all
My friends are telling me I shouldn't waste my time
But I can't concentrate until I make you mine
I'm drawing cards and making wishes down the well
Who would've known I'd lose myself in that old farewell

I want you
Or no one
No one else for me
You, or no one

No one else is strong enough to slow me down in time
To set me free free from that big hill
No one else will do

I want you
Or no one
No one else is fine
Oh, you, or no one
No one is the only one to fill me up inside

Until I make you mine
No one else will do

Only a person who risks is free!

RISK
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement
To express feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas or dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being chose to be loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken.
Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
You may avoid suffering and sorrow if you don't risk, but you simply
cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live.
ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS IS FREE

I was playing draw something on my phone with an old friend and the 3 coin gesture was "risk" it sparked a creative train of thought...

I've learned....

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.
I've learned that patience truly is a virtue that people respect, even when they do not realize it from the start.
I've learned that true love is worth holding on to, no matter how much others influence you otherwise.
I've learned that forgiveness is something everyone can use and regret is something you should forget.
I've learned that friends will sometimes let you down and weaken your heart, but that others will always be there to strengthen it.
I've learned that we can all use a little help in life and that we shouldn't be afraid to just ask for it.
I've learned that it's okay to be vulnerable and it's even okay to speak your heart.
I've learned that time given to the one you love most is never wasted...no matter how much it hurts when it gets disregarded.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.

Reality Check!

There are many things in my life that I am proud of and thankful for...but it doesn't always come w/ an easy price as I wish it did.  Lately things have been more of a struggle then sometimes I think they are worth.  Right now things are just "okay" they aren't great, they aren't fantastic, but they also aren't anything to complain about.  I have plenty to be thankful for...and I am. I'm very thankful to all of my friends and family who have constantly supported every move and decision I have made.  I will always be grateful.  And to Martin, who has been in my life intimately, you are praised even moreso for putting up w/ my antics which I KNOW are sometimes more then even I can handle.  I guess in a way I have spent the past few weeks thinking about how I have given so much of myself and time to others and recieved so little in return.  Now I have spent today looking at how rediculous that notion is and how selfish it makes me seem.  I am sorry, I didn't mean for my mind to flutter to thoughts like that.  Where I turn my nose up and think, "they didn't even say thankyou" or "thankyou just isn't good enough this time." I stop and think of how stupid that sounds!  I will always continue to treat others as i like to be treated, I can't expect a grand gesture in return...not too many people are as free flowing with their emmotions as I am and that is okay.  It's a learning experience and as much as I wish that I could have it all...the knowledge, the wealth, the beauty, etc...I can't.  Nobody can...so now i realize we are all in the same grand boat called life.  We each have our own path and we each make of it what we want but it is NEVER easy.  Though my mind has slipped away from this thought a few times within the last couple months...I'm back to my old self.  Funny how I spend so much time searching for the answer that was right in front of me the whole time, my answer wasn't found within others...it was found within my own self.  Gosh...I can be so stupid sometimes (and i mean that in the most positive way...lol).

So with that said, no more complaining about where my life is right now...I'm happy that you are in it and I will forever show gratitude!

side note: anyone who knows of any quality part time job openings please let me know!  I'm all ears and I'm looking for something to supplement my income while my massage practice is light.  OR you can always help promote me there and check out my other blog for my business and website! www.kneads4knots.com

Promise forgotten....

Dear My Once Upon A Time,
What is the difference between life and existance?
How many thoughts begin deep in the heart?
What is achieved by eternal resistance?
Does art mirror life, or does life reflect art?
What use is language but as limitation?
Is loneliness really our most primal fear?
Or is it, in truth, self-imposed isolation?
Can a lifetime of grief be expressed in a tear?


Can we e'er be content with just what we have?
Is respect only given to those who have won?
Is there such a thing as unconditional love?
And why don't we know what we've got til it's gone?

These are the twining questions that often linger in my mind.  I should let them fall away, I know...shed them like a serpents skin, and emerge new-made and miraculous.  But this is easier said than done.  Like most I have feelings long dormant, and many promises made to me were wispered to the wind, fleeting and broken.  I often find myself pondering the tricks the heart will play just for you to learn, or for what the soul will endure to learn those lessons well.  I've come to realize that I am just a shell of what I used to be.  My boundless love makes me fragile and vulnerable to the seemless lies sewn into your heart.  By the grace of deciphering angels I've somehow come to understand you.  In crowded sidewalks you often feel alone, looking upon the heavenly studded sky you wonder if you will always feel this way.  Trembling with tears, still my words escape me before I can tame them, fierce and unprepared but only to myself.  Supress my feelings with silence, just for you to indulge me with a smile.  That smile is rare in my presence for your mind often spirals in geometric discontent.  For once, all I wish is for you to let it all out...talk, breathe, cry, love, hate...your stream of consciousness.  Sometimes the things that terrify you, are the things most worth the attention you owe it.
Love,
Your Promise Forgotten